Every year he forgot. Well, no. He never forgot. He just put the memories away, like old silverware that you didn’t want to tarnish. And every year they came back, sharp and sparkling, and stabbed him in the heart. And today, of all days…
an incomplete list of iconique Sam Vimes Moments™:
arresting a dragon
running through the streets of ankh-morpork naked
running through the woods of uberwald naked and fighting off werewolves with his bare fucking hands
telling the ancient personification of darkness and vengeance to fuck off
“Well, Reg, tomorrow the sun will come up again, and I’m pretty sure that whatever happens we won’t have found Freedom, and there won’t be a whole lot of Justice, and I’m damn sure we won’t have found Truth. But it’s just possible that I might get a hard-boiled egg.”
arresting an entire war
the ginger beer trick
reluctantly acquiring yet more titles, being embarassed
responds to being told the watch can’t interfere with the aforementioned war by handing in his badge and raising a militia
just no fucking clue how boats work
That! Is!! Not!!! My!!!! Cow!!!!!
giving up all hope of returning to a future with his wife and child to stay in the past and fight in a revolution he knows he can’t win because failing to try to help people is utterly antithetical to the fundamental state of being Sam Vimes
“when the shouting started she knew Sam was alive and well, because only Sam made people that angry”
if anyone’s setting fire to this city it’s going to be me (ankh-morpork has burned down at least twice already at this point)
arresting fucking Havelock Vetinari
“I’ll teach him to walk! I’m good at teaching people to walk!”
getting annoyed at the idea that the assassins are no longer willing to accept any amount of money to kill him
defusing a riot with a cigar and a mug of cocoa
throwing fucking Havelock Vetinari over his shoulder
all of the international incidents because he’s fundamentally incapable of not being salty to The Man
despite being The Man
telling Vetinari to shut up
Vetinari shutting up when Vimes told him to
stopping all of ankh-morpork’s traffic because reading to his son before bed is infinitely more important
getting obscenely rich, hating all of it except the bubble baths
“Who are you, pray?” “The law, you sons of bitches!”
“How dare you? How dare you! At this time! In this place! They did the job they didn’t have to do, and they died doing it, and you can’t give them anything. Do you understand?”
arresting himself
every single fucking noir and western and cop movie one-liner
having so many near-death experiences that Death calls them “near-Vimes experiences” and brings a book along
fistfight on a ship being hit by a river tidal wave in the middle of a storm
“a watchman is a civilian you inbred streak of piss”
gleefully pointing out to the assassins that he does in fact technically own the place
ordering rebels to take down their barricades and rebuild them properly
so. they made a new german discowrld essentials edition, with a new covers (which is good because the old ones are real bad)
and they are these manga-like ‘build a picture’ style, which i like
but. oh my god. look at that vimes
this isn’t samuel ‘worked the night-shift for 30 years, runs on coffee and spit, has probably not slept more than 3hours any given day’ vimes
this is the guy who played vimes in murder-mystery play, ‘inspired by real events’. hammy acting, horrible script, ‘Clues’ everywhere, heroic fightscenes, big speaches. Vimes threadened to shut the whole thing down for slander. Sybil probably got an autograph
I’ve been staring at this post for 15 minutes and I can’t stop laughing omg omg I’m seeing stars oh no.
Sybil invited the damn company to the house for their afterparty and you know it.
the actor earnestly explains at one point the fitness routine he undertook to ‘get in character’ for the part of the ‘heroic commander’ while pointing at various melon-sized muscle groups. vimes himself is sitting there shoveling something that’s 98% grease by volume into his face and also staring balefully. he’s never done a pushup in his life. he wouldn’t know a fucking pushup if it spat on him in the street. sybil is doing her absolute best not to laugh and her best is nowhere good enough. the actor, encouraged by the (presumably) admiring male stares and flirtatious female giggles, goes on to describe his hair-care regimen.
Nooooooo oooooonnnnne stops coups like Sam Vimes
Distrusts clues like Sam Vimes
No one lives off of Klatchian brews like Sam Vimes
He’s especially good at in-VEST-igating
My what a guy, that Sam Vimes
This post got better since I saw it last night oh my gods.
Thank you @roachpatrol I don’t think I’ll ever stop laughing now.
Delicious Fish 